Without Me
by Soul Reaver
Summary: Set after Cobra Commander's return after dethroning Serpentor. Destro sends a desperate message to GI Joe, unfortunately his broadcast is interrupted by Cobra Commander's latest crazy idea...


Without Me  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own either GI Joe or Eminem's Without Me. I set this after Cobra Commander retakes Cobra from Serpentor.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"General," Lady Jaye says, walking into Hawk's office, "You should come see this."  
  
She pops a tape into the VCR in the Ready Room where Hawk was giving a briefing on the Cobra command structure without Serpentor.  
  
The video shows Destro, he looks to be afraid even under the chrome mask and utterly terrified, "Joes, you must help me, Cobra Commander has returned.."  
  
*scratches*  
  
Two trailer park girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside *scratches* Two trailer park girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside *scratches*  
  
The scene cuts to Cobra Commander in a Batman costume driving a beat up old jalopy that has seen better days with Destro dressed as Robin in the passenger seat, it soon becomes apparent that the off key song ripped from the airwaves is Eminem's Without Me and Cobra Commander has stolen the lyrics.  
  
Guess who's back Back again Cobra Commander's back Tell a friend Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.. {*Cobra Commander hums*}  
  
There's a shot of Cobra Commander being chased around by several Joes on one of his several memorable yet failed exploits to conquer the world. He is running through sewer tunnels while Beach Head, Recondo, Footloose, Tauros, and Shipwreck are chasing him.  
  
[Verse 1: Cobra Commander] I've created a monster, cause nobody wants to see Serpentor no more They want Cobra Commander, I'm chopped liver Well if you want Cobra Commander, this is what I'll give ya A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor Some vodka to jump start my heart quicker than the shocks when I get shocked at the hospital when the doctor when I'm not co-operating When I'm rockin the table while he's operating You waited this long, now stop debating Cause I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating I know that you got a job Ms. Cheney but your husband's heart problem's complicating So the GI Joe won't let me be or let me be me, so let me see They try to shut me down on MTV But it feels so empty, without me So, come on and dip, bum on your lips Fuck that, cum on your lips, and some on your tits And get ready, cause this shit's about to get heavy I just settled all my lawsuits, Fuck You Destro!  
  
Cobra Commander starts dancing around the car like an idiot and opens the rusted up sunroof. He is half out of the car when Destro pulls the steering wheel around to avoid crashing into the side of a barricade. Cobra Commander tries to summersault through midair but winds up crashing headlong into a tree.  
  
Chorus: Now this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me I said-this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me  
  
Cobra Commander keeps on singing and lobs a grappling hook over a wall. Unfortunately it doesn't hold onto anything as he tries to climb the wall in a suitably Batman fashion. Destro, at gunpoint, is forced to follow the intrepid yet monumentally foolish Cobra Commander up the wall. The hook and rope give way and Cobra Commander falls down, lands on Destro and they both land in some very thorny cacti patches.  
  
Little Hallions, kids feelin rebellious Embarrassed their parents still play with GI Joe this They start feelin like prisoners helpless 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells BITCH!!! A visionary, vision of scary Could start a revolution, pollutin the airwaves A rebel, so just let me revel and bask in the fact that I got everyone kissin my ass And it's a disaster, such a castastrophe for you can see so damn much of my ass; you asked for me? Well I'm back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Fix your damn antenna tune it in and then I'm gonna enter in, under your skin like a splinter The center of attention, back for the winter I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling Investing in your kid's ears a nest egg Testing, attention please Feel the tension, soon as someone mentions me Here's my ten cents, my two cents is free A nuisance, who sent? You sent for me?  
  
Cobra Commander and Destro are on the run from a severely pissed off Mafioso character with a Tommy gun and a bad Al Pacino impression. It was his house they tried to break into. They jump into the car which starts to sputter smoke and break down, the gunfire from the Mafioso Don having contributed something to its current state.  
  
Chorus: Now this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me I said-this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me  
  
Cut back to the sewer sequence with Cobra Commander and Destro still dressed as Batman and Robin running through the sewers and coming out of the manhole into the middle of the zoo.  
  
"Prepare to be amazed GI Joe!" Cobra Commander shouts and draws a laser gun. He squeezes the trigger with the weapon aimed at Recondo. He accidentally cuts the bars off the cage of a den of a lion and a lioness.  
  
"Uh Cobra Commander, I wouldn't worry about that lion, I'd worry about his mate, severe case of PMS." Recondo says and scrambles up the nearest tree.  
  
Cobra Commander doesn't hear him and he checks the laser's batteries, "I knew I should have used Duracell." he grumbles.  
  
"Uh Commander.." Destro says.  
  
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shouts, indignantly and finds himself staring into the face of a severely pissed off lioness with singed fur.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" Destro jumps into Cobra Commander's arms and the dynamic duo flees in a panic.  
  
A-tisket a-tasket, I go tit for tat with anybody who's talkin this shit, that shit Serpentor, you can get your ass kicked worse than those little traitorous Drednok bastards And Hawk? You can get stomped by the Rock You thirty-six year old boy fag, blow me You don't know me, you're too old, let go It's over, nobody listens to GI Joe Now let's go, just gimme the signal I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults I been dope, suspenseful with a pencil ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol But sometimes the shit just seems everybody only wants to discuss me So this must mean I'm dis-gus-ting But it's just me, I'm just obscene And though I'm not the first king of controversy I am the worst thing since Genghis Khan-ly do world conquest so selfishly and used it to get myself wealthy Here's a concept that works Twenty million other mad conquerors emerge But no matter how many fish in the sea It'll be so empty, without me  
  
Cobra Commander and Destro are running from the severely pissed off lioness with PMS. Shipwreck, Tauros, Footloose, and Recondo are running after them with a video camera. "How much do you think this will sell for?"  
  
"Priceless Shipwreck, priceless!" Footloose laughs.  
  
Beach Head is chasing them around yelling, "Will you idiots forget profit and catch this squirmy snake once and for all!"  
  
"Lighten up Beach Head this is too funny." Footloose laughs back.  
  
Chorus: Now this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me I said-this looks like a job for me So everybody, just follow me Cause we need a little, controversy Cause it feels so empty, without me  
  
Cobra Commander and Destro vault over a low wall and the lioness doesn't follow. Both of them land in a pen that has a large sign saying, "Warning, Polar Bears, Keep Out!"  
  
Too late, they realize their mistake and go running through the tunnels being chased by a really pissed off polar bear that had been hibernating. Cobra Commander shouts the following word:  
  
Kids!  
  
Followed by, "Destro this is all your fault!!!!!!"  
  
The video ends and Hawk dials up a phone number. "What are you doing sir?" Lady Jaye asks.  
  
"Oh that's simple, telling Cobra Commander's banking twins Xamot and Tomax to give Destro a huge raise for putting up with that lunatic." General Hawk replies and faxing a copy of the video tape to an unknown address. 


End file.
